If a child with selective mutism isn’t speaking at nursery or primary school, what should we actually do?

It sounds like a simple question.

But it isn’t.

And after working with children, families and schools for many years, I have realised that one of the biggest problems is not that people don’t care.

They absolutely do.

The problem is knowing what to do next.

This is exactly why I created my Selective Mutism School Guide for Nursery and Primary School.

It is a practical guide for parents, nursery and primary school staff, teachers, speech and language therapists and other professionals supporting children with selective mutism.

But more than anything, I wanted it to become something that could sit between home, school and therapy.

A shared starting point.

Because supporting a child with selective mutism works so much better when the adults around them understand what they are seeing and are moving in the same direction.

We need to look beyond the silence

When a child isn’t speaking at nursery or school, understandably, our attention goes straight to the talking.

• Did they answer?
• Did they say hello?
• Did they speak to the teacher?
• Did they talk during group time?
• Did they ask for help?
• And slowly, without even realising it, speech can become our main measurement of progress.

But I want us to look underneath first. Because the absence of speech is something we can see. Anxiety isn’t always so easy to see.

A child with selective mutism may look calm.

They may follow every instruction.

They may smile.

They may be beautifully behaved.

They may sit quietly at their table and complete their work.

And everybody might think: “They’re absolutely fine. They just don’t talk.”

But what is happening inside their body?

That is the question I want us to become curious about.

Before we expect speech, what comes first?

Before I worry about whether a child is speaking, I want to know whether they feel safe.

• Can they enter nursery or school comfortably?
• Can they separate from their parent?
• Do they have an adult they trust?
• Can they play?
• Can they join an activity?
• Can they communicate without words?
• Can they make choices?
• Can they show their personality?
• Can they laugh?
• Can they be silly?
• Can they make mistakes without feeling watched?
• These observations tell us so much.

Because communication doesn’t begin with speech.

It begins with safety and connection.

“Don’t pressure them to talk” isn’t enough

Teachers are often told not to put pressure on a child with selective mutism.

I completely agree.

But I also think we have to recognise something.

Telling a teacher what not to do isn’t enough.

• What should they do instead?
• What happens when you’re taking the register?
• What do you do when you ask a question and the child freezes?
• How do you offer choices without creating another demand?
• What happens when another child asks, “Why doesn’t she talk?”
• What do you do if the child suddenly speaks?
• Do you celebrate it?
• Ignore it?
• Mention it later?
• What should happen at lunchtime, during group work or when the child needs help?
• These are real situations.

Teachers need practical strategies that work in real classrooms, not simply theory.

And that was incredibly important to me when I created this guide.

Why nursery and primary school?

This guide has been specifically created for nursery and primary school-aged children.

Those early environments are incredibly important.

They are where relationships with education begin.

They are where children learn whether adults understand their communication.

And they are often where selective mutism first becomes very visible.

A child may be chatting continuously at home and then enter nursery and become silent.

A parent may hear: “We haven’t heard their voice yet.”

Or: “They’re happy. They just don’t speak.”

Sometimes everyone waits.

Maybe they’ll grow out of it.

Maybe they’ll speak when they’re ready.

Maybe next term will be different.

But I don’t believe we should simply wait.

Nor do I believe we should push.

There is a huge space between waiting and pushing.

That is where thoughtful intervention sits.

Safety → Connection → Participation → Communication

One of the central ideas running through the guide is the pathway I use throughout my work:

Safety → Connection → Participation → Communication

I find this incredibly helpful because it changes the question.

Instead of constantly asking: “Why isn’t this child talking?”

we can ask: “Where is this child right now?”

Perhaps they need to build safety with their teacher.

Perhaps they feel safe with one particular teaching assistant.

Perhaps they can play beside other children but aren’t ready to join them.

Perhaps they can participate non-verbally.

Perhaps they can communicate with a friend but not yet with an adult.

Suddenly we have information we can work with.

And importantly, we have somewhere to go next.

The guide is designed to be used, not simply read

I didn’t want to create another resource that gets downloaded, read once and disappears into a folder.

I wanted something practical.

Something a parent could bring to a school meeting.

Something a teacher could return to when they weren’t sure what to do. Something a therapist could use when helping a school understand the child’s needs.

The guide looks at understanding selective mutism and emotional safety, preparing school for success, observing the child, choosing appropriate strategies and identifying realistic next steps.

There are practical teacher scripts because sometimes knowing exactly what to say makes an enormous difference.

There are ideas around regulation, connection and communication.

There are ways of monitoring progress.

And there is a Brave Communication Pathway to help adults think about what the child’s next step might actually be.

Parents, this guide is for you too

One of the reasons I wanted this resource to be accessible to parents is because parents often become the people trying to hold everything together.

You understand your child at home.

School understands your child in school.

A therapist may see them for an hour.

Everyone has a different piece of the puzzle.

The guide can help you begin conversations with school that go beyond: “Please don’t pressure them.”

You can begin asking:

What are we noticing?

When does their body look more relaxed?

Who do they connect with?

Where do they participate?

When does communication become harder?

What seems to help?

What is the smallest useful next step?

Those are very different conversations.

Teachers, you don’t need to become a selective mutism specialist

I also want teachers and nursery staff to know this.

You don’t have to know everything about selective mutism to make an enormous difference to a child.

You need to become curious about this child.

• What helps them?
• What increases pressure?
• Who helps them regulate?
• Where do they feel most comfortable?
• What communication is already available to them?
• And what tiny adjustment could make tomorrow easier?

Sometimes the most powerful changes are incredibly small.

And therapists, we need to connect the environments

As therapists, it can be tempting to concentrate on what happens during therapy.

But a child may behave completely differently with us than they do at school.

That matters.

Therapy shouldn’t exist in a bubble.

The observations of parents and school staff can give us invaluable clinical information.

When everybody understands the same pathway, we can make better decisions about where to start and when to move forward.

There are limitations and that’s important

This guide isn’t a treatment programme.

And it cannot tell you exactly what every child needs.

No resource can.

Selective mutism looks different in every child.

One child may be ready for a tiny speaking challenge.

Another child of exactly the same age may still need us to concentrate on entering the classroom, joining activities and building trust with one adult.

That isn’t falling behind.

It tells us where we need to begin.

The guide also doesn’t replace individual assessment or specialist support when that is needed.

And it cannot remove the realities of nursery and school life.

Teachers have busy classrooms.

Parents are worried.

Professionals have limited time.

Schools have expectations and pressures of their own.

That is precisely why strategies have to be realistic.

The guide shouldn’t become another source of pressure

There is something else I feel very strongly about.

I don’t want this guide to become another checklist that makes adults think: “We have done strategy one, strategy two and strategy three. Why isn’t this child talking?”

That isn’t how anxiety works. Instead:

• Observe.
• Try something.
• Watch what happens.
• Stay curious.
• Adjust.
• Try again.
• Sometimes the strategy isn’t wrong.
• The step is simply too big.
• And that distinction is incredibly important.

We need to change how we recognise progress

Perhaps this is the part I feel most strongly about.

We have to stop measuring progress only through speech.

Of course I want children to communicate freely.

Of course I want them to find their voice.

But look at everything that happens before that.

• The child who walks through the nursery door more comfortably is making progress.
• The child who starts playing beside another child is making progress.
• The child who finally laughs with their teacher is making progress.
• The child who begins pointing instead of freezing is making progress.
• The child who joins the group is making progress.
• The child who starts showing their real personality at school is making progress.
• And eventually, for many children, communication begins to change too.
• But those earlier steps aren’t things we tolerate while we’re waiting for speech.

They are part of the work.

Why I created this guide

Ultimately, I created the Selective Mutism School Guide because I wanted parents, nursery staff, primary school teachers and therapists to have a common language.

I want parents to feel more confident walking into a school meeting.

I want teachers to feel supported rather than frightened of doing the wrong thing.

I want therapists to have a practical resource that helps connect therapy with everyday life.

And I want the child at the centre of all of this to experience something very different.

Not a room full of adults waiting for them to talk.

But adults who understand that communication is built through safety, relationships and many, many small steps.

So when a child isn’t speaking at nursery or school, perhaps our first question shouldn’t be: “How do we get them to talk?”

Perhaps we should begin with: “What is happening underneath, and what does this child need from us right now?”

Because that is where the real work begins.

Safety before speech.

Connection before communication.

Small steps towards a brave voice.