A conversation with child therapist and author Lucy Nathanson (Confident Children)

If you feel stuck helping your shy child—or your child with selective mutism—take the next step with communication, this conversation is for you. I sat down with Lucy Nathanson, child therapist, founder of Confident Children, and author of several child-friendly books, to explore practical, compassionate strategies that work at home, at school, and in the wider community.

Key idea #1: Build the right environment first

Before any “technique,” get the environment right.

• • Educate everyone around the child. Clear up misconceptions (“won’t talk” vs “can’t talk right now because of anxiety”). Understanding shifts adults from pressure to compassion.
  • Remove maintaining factors. Small things can spike anxiety: a neighbour expecting “Say good morning!”, a staff member prompting on the way into school, or classmates commenting on silence. Proactively tweak these moments so the child stops bracing for them.

When the whole village—teachers, lunch staff, janitors, relatives—uses the same respectful approach, safety grows and progress sticks.

Key idea #2: Meet the child exactly where they are (today)

Progress isn’t linear. Some days a child is ready to play or speak; other days they need a slower warm-up.

• • Tune in and pace down. If a child looks tense, start with gentle commentary and low-pressure presence. Step in gradually once they’re warm.
  • Follow their signal, not your plan. The plan serves the child—not the other way around.
    

Key idea #3: Collaboration makes the magic

Selective mutism support thrives on teamwork.

• • Teachers + parents = essential partnership. Swap insights regularly: “How is she at home?” “What worked last year?”
  • Brief every adult. One unhelpful comment can undo a week of brave tries. Share a short, friendly guide for anyone who interacts with the child.
    

Key idea #4: Questions can backfire—try commentary instead

Well-meaning adults often bombard with questions to include the child. For a child not ready to talk to you yet, questions raise anxiety and create anticipatory worry (“Uncle will ask me again…”).

Do this instead:

• • Offer a warm hello without expecting a reply.
  • Use commentary/chit-chat: “I love your trainers.” “I baked banana bread today and burnt the edges!”
  • Connect through shared interests (cats, football, drawing).
  • Sprinkle in playful slips: “Look at that cat flying—oops, I meant bird!” A smile or laugh is progress.
    

Key idea #5: Success is planned, stepwise… and very possible

Breakthroughs rarely happen out of the blue—they’re intentionally prepared.

• • Choose high-confidence topics (e.g., a Harry Potter quiz for the child who knows every detail). When answers feel safe, hands shoot up.
  • Rehearse with trusted people first (e.g., grandparents), briefing them to respond calmly when speech emerges.

Children don’t go from zero to hero. They collect safe experiences until speech becomes just another comfortable option.

For teachers welcoming a child with SM

• • Learn the basics (videos, short guides, school-friendly books).
  • Start with connection: discover interests; build routines that feel predictable.
  • Minimise spotlight moments (being called on, timed show-and-tell) until the child signals readiness.
  • Celebrate all communication, not just voice—eye gaze, gestures, drawings, participation.
    

Helpful child-friendly resources by Lucy

Lucy writes storybooks that open gentle conversations without using the term “selective mutism,” helping children see themselves with strength and hope. Each book includes guidance for adults on how to introduce it and when to keep things more covert if a child isn’t ready to discuss feelings openly.

• • “My name is Ben and I Don’t Talk Sometimes”
  • “My name is Eliza and I Don’t Talk at School”
  • “Why Doesn’t Alice Talk at School?” (ideal to read to classmates/peers)

Tip: Read about the character first. If your child says “That’s like me,” validate and gently highlight their existing bravery (“You talk loads with Nana—and that’s growing.”).

Quick-start checklist for families & schools

• • One-page brief for all adults: what helps, what to avoid, who to contact.
  • Swap questions for comments; remove “perform on the spot” moments.
  • Map safe places & trickier spots (home, doorway, playground, classroom) and start where safety is highest.
  • Use movement and play to regulate first; then invite small, doable communication steps.
  • Track wins you can’t hear: staying in the game, a smile, a nod, a note, a hand raise.
  • Review weekly with parents/teachers: what worked, what needs a tweak.
    

Final thoughts

Selective mutism is more than fear of talking—it’s the nervous system doing its best to protect. When we lower pressure, align the whole team, and meet the child where they are, communication grows—often sooner and sturdier than we expect.

Watch the full conversation here:

With warmth and encouragement,
Anna Biavati
Speech Therapist, Creator of the Brave Muscle Method, Founder of Steps To Brave Talking
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